JOKES
PAGE
HA!
HA! HA! HO! HO!
HO!
Jokes
and other light hearted reflections of the Building Industry
Send
Us Your Joke
Exact
words
Clean
Floors
Got Shingles
An Extra Bonus
Sawmill Time
Window
Payments
Construction Workers Understand
He Makes His Own Lunches
Death Row
Green Side Up
Why
Don't Programmers Build Houses?
Strong Man on the Job
Unprepared
Highway Crew
Applying
In Person
Exact
Words
The homeowner
was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work
on his house.
"You did
a great job." he said and handed the man a check.
"Also,
in order to thank-you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus
out to dinner and a movie."
Later
that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter.
Thinking
the painter had forgotten something the man asked, "What's
the matter, did you forget something?"
"Nope."
replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out
to dinner and a movie like you asked."
Her
Clean Floor
While
carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought,
I busied myself with indoor cleaning.
I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen
asked to use the bathroom.
With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed
floors.
"Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution.
"I'll put down newspapers."
"That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."
back
to top
Window Payments
A window
salesman phoned a customer. "Hello, Mr. Brown," said the Sales
Rep,
"I'm calling because our company replaced all the windows
in your house
with our triple-glazed weather-tight windows over a year ago,
and you still haven't sent us a single payment."
The customer
replied, "But you said they'd pay for THEMSELVES in 12 months."
back
to top
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS
UNDERSTAND
Four surgeons
are discussing who makes the best type of surgery patient.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on
my operating table,
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians
are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers ~
they seem to understand when you have a few parts left over
at the end and when
the job takes longer than you said it would."
back
to top
HE MAKES HIS OWN LUNCHES
An Irishman,
a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing constructionwork on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned
beef and cabbage!
If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm
going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos
again!
If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off this
building too."
The blonde guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again.
If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned
beef
and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens
his lunch, sees a
burrito and jumps too. The blonde guy opens his lunch,
sees the bologna and
jumps to his death also.
At the funeral The Irishman's wife is weeping.
She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned
beef and cabbage I never
would have given it to him again!
The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have
given him tacos or enchiladas!
I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde guy's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He made
his own lunches!"
back
to top
DEATH
ROW
A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were
on
death rowwaiting to go in the electric chair. The chemist
wasbrought forward first.
"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked theexecutioner,
strapping him in.
"No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked
the
switch and nothinghappened. Under State law, if an execution
attempt fails, the prisoner is
to be released, so the chemist was released.
Then the biologist was brought forward. "Do you haveanything
you want to say?"
"No, just get on with it." The executioner flicked
the switch, and again
nothing happened, so the biologist was released.
Then the electrical engineer was brought forward. "Do
you have anything
you want to say?" asked the executioner.
"Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the
red and the blue wires over,
you might make this thing work."
back
to top
GREEN
SIDE UP
A woman wants the
inside of her house painted and she calls a
contractor in to help her. They wander around the house,
and she
points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now,
in the living room,
I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes
on it.
Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green
side up!"
The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They
wander into
the next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd
like a light white,
not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor
nods, pulls out
his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window,
leans
out, and yells "Green side up"! The woman is even
more perplexed but
still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room.
She says,
"In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful,
cool blue."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes
on it. Then
once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green
side up"!
This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she
says, "Every time
I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out
the
window 'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?"
The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four
blondes laying
sod across the street."
back
to top
Why
don't programmers build houses?
If builders
built buildings the way programers wrote programs
the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
back
to top
Strong
Man on the Job
The strong
young man at the construction site was bragging that he could
out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case
of making fun of one
of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker
had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.
"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a
wheelbarrow over to
that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what
you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the
handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Get in."
back
to top
Unprepared
Highway Crew
One morning
a local highway department crew reached their job-site
and realized they had forgotten all their shovels. The crew's
foreman radioed
the office and told his supervisor of the situation. The supervisor
radioed back and said,
"Don't worry, we'll send some shovels ... just lean on each
other until they arrive."
back
to top
Applying
In Person
A carpenter
walks onto a job site of a large company and hands the foreman
his application.
The foreman begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the
applicant has been fired from every job
he has ever held. "I must say," says the foreman, "your work
history is terrible.
You've been fired from every job." "Yes," says the carpenter.
"Well," continues the foreman,
"there's not much positive in that." "Hey!" says the guy as
he pokes the application. "At least I'm not a quitter."
back
to top
Got
Shingles
A man
walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him
what he had.
He replied, "I got shingles." She said, "Fill out this form
and supply your name, address,
medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a
seat."
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him
what he had.
He said, "I got shingles." So she took down his height, weight,
and complete medical history,
then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining
room."
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "I got shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram,
and told him to wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said,
"I just checked you out thoroughly,
and I can't find shingles anywhere." The man replied, "They're
outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
back
to top
Sawmill
Time
Every
morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator
in a small
Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact
time.
One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why
the regularity.
"I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day
I have to blow the
whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time." The
operator giggled,
"That's really funny," she said. "All this time we've been
setting our clock by your whistle."
back
to top
An
Extra Bonus
The homeowner
was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work
on his house.
"You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check.
"Also, in order to thank-you, here's an extra $80 to take
the missus out to dinner and a movie."
Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter.
Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's
the matter, did you forget something?"
"Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus
out to dinner and a movie like you asked."
back
to top
Send
Us Your Joke
|